Touch
by Rienne224
Summary: Sirius knew what he was and he touched him anyways, held him like he was truly cared for and was whispering in a cracked voice that everything would be alright, that he was still Remus, and that he wouldn't be alone.
1. Chapter 1

giggle...

Remus sighed and shut his transfiguration book tightly, tossing it to the end of his messy bed. He reached up with both hands and rubbed slowly at his eyes, moving out to his temples and taking a deep breath. _10...9...8..._

"ooh...giggle...if you don't stop now, I won't be able to wear white at my wedding and my father will kill you!..."

Remus rolled his eyes. _White. Good luck with that one, Lily. If James gets his way, you will be walking down the aisle seven months pregnant pushing a toddler in a stroller._

"I know, I know...but that doesn't mean I can't..." came James' hushed whisper from behind the pulled curtains of his bed.

"what are you...OOH!...giggle..." came Lily's not-so-hushed response.

_5...4...3..._

Remus felt awkward. James and Lily knew he was in the room, he had been studying on his bed when they entered twenty minutes ago. They had drawn the curtains to James' bed, but obviously forgot the silencing charm. Silencing charm! Remus leaned to his night-side table and grasped his wand. With a flick, the occupied four-poster glimmered for a split second, and the room was immediately engulfed in blissful silence. Remus smiled to himself and picked up his transfiguration book once more.

As he flipped through the pages to find where he had left off, he noticed James' bed rocking ever-so-slightly. _God damn-it_, he thought as he slammed his book shut once more, tossing it back to the end of the bed again. Remus ran a hand through his thick sandy hair before sighing and collecting his stack of parchments and writing implements from around the bed and making his way out of the dorm.

Ignoring the group of 6th years in the common room who were cheering on Frank Longbottom and Henry Brewbakers cauldron cake eating competition, Remus made his way through the portrait hole up up to the Room of Requirements.

Remus made quick work of pacing in front of the blank wall space he knew held sanctuary, trying desperately to keep his over sized stack of parchments from slipping out under his fingers and sprawling across the floor. When a large door appeared, he mumbled 'patefacio ianua' under his breath, causing the door to gently slide open. Remus pushed his way through the small opening mumbling 'propinquus ianua' and tossed his stack of work on the nearest chesterfield situated next to an empty fireplace. Hearing the click of the door closing, and the soft creaking of the door dissolving, he sighed and plopped down next to his parchments. Blissful silence...

Remus pulled his wand from his robes and illuminated the room with the glow of a quiet fire. He slid off of the soft cushions and onto the floor, propping himself up against the seat of the chesterfield. Rubbing his hands together, he pulled his knees up to his chest and let his mind wander.

He was happy for James. For years his friend had been chasing the firey red-head, and this year he finally caught her. Lily had claimed that James had matured, but Remus suspected that it had more to do with the fact that James had sprouted a couple of inches and discovered the wonders of a good hair-brush. Peter had started dating, under the guidance of Sirius, and had discovered that being one of the infamous Marauders had its perks – fan girls. While many of the girls were just using him to get to one of the other boys, Peter had managed to find a few girls who were interested in the 'cute' Marauder. More than a few times, Remus had passed by a fan-girl group in the corridor to hear them giggle and coo about stuffing little Petey in their pocket and taking him everywhere. At first it had been endearing to think that Pete was becoming a man, but the constant verbal reminder that the girls thought of him as a small puffskein was more than enough to make his eyes roll.

Remus had his fair share of fan-girls. He was the 'brooding intellect' that all of the older girls found attractive due to his 'maturity'. Diana Carmichael of Ravenclaw had developed a particular taste for Remus since he spent a large amount of time in the Ravenclaw common room with some of his study mates from that house. She had large blue eyes and wild brown hair that was identical to James' cut and style. She wore thick, black rimmed glasses that were strangely attractive, and sensible brown trainers that she said allowed her to quickly make her way to and from classes to maximize her study time. Her nose and cheekbones were dashed with freckles which she wore proudly on her makeup free face. Remus found this to be her most attractive feature despite all the other girls around her teasing her for them. Outside the Marauders and Lily, Diana had become Remus' confidant. They spent countless hours in the astronomy tower huddled up under a blanket and talking about their studies and problems.

Diana had confided in Remus that she was picked on because she was the only girl in her year to not have had 'relations' with a boy. Remus had chuckled and responded with his similar problem of being inexperienced, but attributing it to the fact that most girls were silly and he wasn't ready for anything serious. Diana kissed him that night – it was awkward and mechanical at first, but once they relaxed it took a turn for the better.

Remus' confidence began to raise as he and Diana spent more time in each others company. James had become suspicious of the amount of time they were spending together, but Remus would just huff and exclaim that they were friends who understood the need for intellectual conversation. James would invariably get pissy and retort with something idiotic like "I'm smart, why can't you talk to me about smart-people stuff?!", to which Remus would respond with a calm "The wonders of green eyes and the in-depth article in Quidditch Weekly do not constitute as a good conversation outside of your twisted little mind".

Sirius had also picked up on the increasingly frequent visits with Diana, and took to stalking his good friend in attempts to catch him 'with his pants down'. He found this task difficult when Remus' heightened senses allowed him to pick up on his stalkers presence, and send him a particularly hilarious jinx or hex to let him know that he knew he was being followed. Every single night Sirius would stalk back moodily into Gryffindor tower with something new; pink hair with purple ribbons, red sparkly high heeled shoes that made xylophone sounds with each step, rainbow colored robes, etc.

Sirius had been the most admired of all the Marauders. In fact, he was the most admired wizard in the school. Even the girls of Slytherin had a hard time finding something unattractive about the disinherited Black. In his first few years of school, he had been quieter – small, lanky, almost malnourished looking. But over the years and after countless feasts he started to fill out nicely. He cut off his trademark long locks in favor of a shoulder length style. The decreased weight of his thick hair allowed it to bounce up into beautiful curls and waves that he allowed to fall where they desired after a shower. Being a pureblood, he had grown up on the ideals of royalty – pale skin is the sign of a life of leisure. Even though he had discarded just about everything his parents had taught, he found he looked rather silly with a tan. The slightest bit of exercise caused a small flush to dust his cheeks – a lovely contrast to his dark locks, icy grey eyes and ebony tresses. He always had this 'deliciously shagged' look to him, which could be why the girls found him so attractive. In fact, if they had bothered to get to know him, they would have found out that Sirius was in fact, a virgin. He had, truthfully, snogged about half of the girls in his year, and a few from the year above and below, but only a few were brave enough to attempt second base. And even fewer of those girls stuck around when Sirius would stop them from groping him through his trousers to tell them that maybe they should go on a date first, or slow down. In fact, none of them did. It seemed all of Hogwarts thought Sirius was a rogue, a dangerous dark wizard, too good to fit in with his family, and too bad to fit in anywhere else. Once anyone discovered he was just a boy with a pretty face and fear of rejection, he became unattractive. Of course, he was still revered by the rest of the student population, so after jilting Sirius and leaving him desperately alone in a dark corridor somewhere, they would usually end up telling their friends that things got really heated between them but were interrupted and decided to continue later.

The Marauders knew the truth about Sirius, but never let on to anyone about it. Girls would corner them in the hallway, cooing over 'Sexy Black' and wondering if he was available. The boys would just laugh and say that they really didn't know much about his love life, or just tell the girls to talk to Sirius themselves to find out. Sirius would smile at them, with those gorgeous lips and bright white teeth and the girls would melt into a puddle at his feet. Charm came naturally to Sirius, but the smile never quite made it to his eyes. His grey eyes always looked dull and forlorn when he smiled at the girls, but being the silly little fan-girls they were, they never seemed to notice anything that happened above his lips. In fact, they were doing good if they made it as high as his lips – most stopped at the ass, and only a select few made it as far as his chest and broad shoulders before drooling and babbling incoherently.

By the time Remus had grown into his form and became desirable to the ladies, he had seen enough idiocy from the female population who drooled over Sirius and cooed for Peter that he found it rather easy to just tell the girls that he was too busy for dating. The girls would sigh and move along to either Sirius or Peter – as handsome as James was, he was never on the market and everyone knew it – leaving Remus to ponder why the boys even bothered with girls while in school... until he met Diana.

Diana seemed to defy all his preconceived notions about female idiocy. She was quick witted and possessed an intelligence and levelheadedness that he was admittedly jealous of. She seemed to sense when Remus was having problems at home, or with friends, and could accurately pinpoint the problems occurrence when he would recount the story to her. She could explain feelings to him that he couldn't understand, even though he was feeling them himself, and always kept a stash of chocolate in her tote for when they met up after his return from the moon. Ironically, for being so much smarter than his friends, who had accurately guessed his condition so early on, she had attributed his monthly bouts of illness to diabetes, a Muggle condition she said her cousin suffered from. She did find it odd that his sugar level would drop at 4 week intervals, but just laughed it off as one of those weird things life throws at you. Remus never admitted to having diabetes, but never said he didn't either. In fact, all he said when she told him she knew about it was "you caught me! I have an incurable disease." and laughed. He knew that she was incredibly smart, and probably knew all about the truth of werewolves – they were friendly, loyal, completely harmless 352 days out of the year, and just a person outside of that – but he didn't want to risk one of the few friends he had, especially when he knew that this friend was holding his hand, giving him the most human contact he had ever received outside of his one friend who seemed to need it as much as he did. That friend was Sirius.

Growing up in a pureblood family of dark wizards and witches, bonding was not a priority. In fact, even when receiving a punishment, the parents never hit you with their own hand, they would come at you with a belt or a stick instead. Hugging was definitely out of the question, let alone any sort of comfort. Remus had often felt that way with his own family. His parents loved him, and hugged him whenever he seemed to need one, but it always felt cold, like they couldn't touch him without feeling guilty about his lycanthropy, about being the reason why once a month his bones break and his skin rips and tears, causing pools of blood from their own child to grow around him as the beast he is cursed with claws it way to the surface to kill and maim in the name of his parents mistakes. Remus understood why the hugs always felt hollow and cold, but it didn't take away the hurt.

Christmas of second year, Sirius came back early. Remus had stayed at Hogwarts as he was transforming over the holidays and Poppy agreed to take care of him. Sirius entered the dorm room, holding tightly to his chest a book He had a black eye, and a bruised face. Remus could only guess by his appearance that the bruises did not stop there. Sirius dropped his bag to the floor, and strode over to where Remus stood dumbstruck. The small pureblood wizard turned out the book and handed it to Remus with questioning, sad eyes. Looking down at the book, Remus realized that he couldn't hide anymore. Sirius had figured out Remus' secret – he was a werewolf.

Remus took the book entitled 'Half-breeds and Creature Diseases' in his shaky hands and immediately felt his shoulders slump in defeat. He looked down at the floor of the dimly lit dorm room and mumbled "I'm so sorry, Sirius," as his eyes filled with tears. Sirius would hate him, and he would tell James and Peter to hate him too. He had friends for two years, and they were the greatest friends a boy could ask for, but nothing lasts forever. Remus began to shake with sobs as he realized that he was going to lose the love of his friends. Before he could turn to run from the room, Sirius had grabbed the book from his hand and tossed it angrily across the room.

The book slammed against the cold stone wall, tearing Remus' attention away from the red and gold rug beneath his feet and into the eyes of the wild looking little boy in front of him. Sirius was panting hard, his eyes almost silver and filled with an emotion that was foreign to Remus. Sirius grabbed Remus by the hand that had held the book, and pulled him into a fierce hug. The feel of Sirius' warm, shaky breath against his ear, and to be able to feel the pulse of another being beating rapidly beside his own caused Remus to break down. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, clutching him by the shoulders and back, grasping violently at his pristine robes as if he would die if torn away. He sobbed into his neck and shoulder, feeling confused at what was happening. Surely Sirius was repulsed by him, scared of him – but he willingly pulled him into his embrace, Sirius was clutching and pulling Remus into him as urgently as Remus was reciprocating.

Sirius sniffed back his own tears and whispered "I don't care. You're still Remus. I. Don't. Care."

Remus felt his knees weaken and buckle underneath him. Sirius lowered them to the ground, never letting go of his frantic friend. They sat in the middle of the dorm room, clutching each other and letting their tears flow freely like boys weren't supposed to do. Remus' whole body was shaking and shivering as he cried for the first time in as long as he could remember. He never allowed himself to cry in front of his parents for he feared them feeling even more guilty about being the reason he was what he was. He never cried in front of his friends for he didn't want them to think he was weak and unworthy of their friendship. But Sirius knew all about him, and he said he didn't care. Remus believed him, how could he not? Sirius was crying too, holding him close, brushing back his hair and soothing him with his warm breath and even pulse. Sirius knew what he was, and he touched him anyways, held him like he was truly cared for and was whispering in a cracked voice that everything would be ok, that he was still Remus, and that he wouldn't be alone.

Remus sighed and closed his eyes, picturing a tray of tea and biscuits. He hadn't even noticed his hunger as he reminisced about his years here at Hogwarts, but it was too urgent to dismiss now. Opening his eyes, a tea tray appeared on the floor next to him. Remus smiled at the convenience of the room as he surveyed the chocolate biscuits and butter scones. Picking up bowl of berries, he began to munch through them as he wandlessly charmed the teapot to pour him a generous glass. Tossing a juicy looking current into his tea, he sipped away at it and let his thoughts revert back.

Since the day that Sirius told Remus he knew, their relationship changed. They still had pillow fights, snuck into the kitchens late at night and pranked whenever they could muster up the time and means to do so, but it seemed that Sirius was slowly detaching himself from James and becoming better friends with Remus. For the first two years, it had been James and Sirius, with Remus and Peter too. But mostly it was James and Sirius.

Now, Remus was becoming closer to the eldest Black; an arm casually slung over the others shoulder as they strolled the corridors, draping their legs over one another on the common room couch, sitting arm to arm on a bed or up against the wall somewhere while chatting. Numerous times, in the midst of a last minute prank gone awry, Sirius would reach out and grab Remus' hand to pull and drag him through the corridors to escape Peeves or Filch. Sirius would pull Remus into a darkened corner or alcove, still holding hands as their hearts beat wildly and smiles graced their faces, all the while watching a disgruntled looking Filch swear under his breath mere feet away, none the wiser. They would laugh and rumple each others hair playfully as they made their way back to Gryffindor, arms linked and whispering to each other as students looked on.

Everyone knew that Sirius and Remus were always touching, but it didn't seem odd. In fact, it seemed like the kind of friendship everyone wanted, but was too sheltered to ever attempt. There was the occasional gay slur, to which they shrugged off and ignored, but for the most part they were left to their own devices. Sirius rationalized this by saying the hierarchy of the 'Sirius gives a rats ass' was as follows; friends, family, then random people. He cared what his friends thought, and didn't care what his family thought. Because his family is more important than random people, and he didn't give a hoot what his family thought, why should he care what anyone else assumed about him?

Remus laughed and called Sirius a weirdo, and Sirius would just shrug it off and laugh. They had only been called fairies once by a group of Slytherins. Remus and Sirius hexed the group into pink tutu's and ballet slippers that couldn't be charmed away. The hex lasted 12 hours, and was incredibly amusing. They were still forced to attend classes, despite the fact that they could only move in ballet steps. James literally choked on his pumpkin juice upon seeing a pink frilly Snape dance into the great hall. He later recounted that if you looked carefully enough, you could actually see a little angry storm cloud above Snivellus' head as he went about his day. It took a long time for Snape to lose the nickname 'Death Fairy' and get back to 'Snivellus'.

Remus knew his friends cared for him. They told him at every opportunity that he was the best mate in the world, and being a werewolf just made him more awesome. They would joke around and say that they were the lucky ones because they knew someone who could turn into a raging beast once a month. Remus couldn't quite understand what they meant by this, and only became even more confused when Peter referred to his 'raging beast' as the 'Monster Truck Rally' of the Magical World. Sirius and James looked dumbfounded, as if Peter was speaking Greek. Peter explained that it was a new American sport that his Muggle uncle took him to last summer. According to Peter, all the tough boys liked Monster Trucks. Sirius and James coughed and put up their tough boy facade, "Oh! THAT Monster Truck! Yeah...I know what you're talking about now. Just forget, s'all." Peter shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Hopeless, you lot."

Remus knew just how much his friends cared for him, but none so much as Sirius. Late at night, the dark haired wizard would often be found inside Remus' bed, snuggled up with plushy black dog toy that he received for Christmas from Andromeda in his first year at Hogwarts. He would have woken up from a terrible nightmare, and padded his way across the cold stone floor in the darkness, finding Remus had woken too, and pulled back the blankets for his scared friend. Sirius would crawl inside with his plushy dog, and Remus would wrap his arms around his friends shoulder as the the shaken wizard would mumble his usual "Th'nks..." before nodding off quickly in the comfort of the human contact. If Remus woke first, he would usually find Sirius drooling on him, to which he would scoff and scream "Gross!" and push a sleeping Sirius out of the warm bed and onto the cold floor. Sirius would whine and brood for a minute until Remus would toss 'Snuffles' - the plushy dog – down to him. Seeing the dog would cause Sirius to smile hazily and rub the sleep from his eyes before getting on with his day.

Yes, James and Peter would tell Remus they cared for him, but Sirius loved him. It wasn't hard to see. Sirius relied on Remus for comfort. He would jump playfully into Remus' arms and kiss him dramatically on the cheek when Remus would agree to help Sirius with his homework. Remus would roll his eyes and drop Sirius onto the floor with a loud 'THUD', eliciting laughs from the occupants of the common room, then when he picked himself up off the floor, he would quickly give Remus' hand a squeeze and would smile at his friend to say thanks in the most honest way he knew.

Everyone always thought that the eyes were the window to the soul. For the most part that was true, people get caught in lies when you look into their eyes. For Remus, Sirius was different. One touch from Sirius would let Remus know everything was ok, or that trouble was on the way. It was impossible for Sirius to lie to Remus when they touched. It was something completely unexplainable; it wasn't so much the firmness of his grip, or the gentleness or stiffness of his touch, it wasn't the way his fingers would twitch, or the position he would grip his friends hand with, or the way he would touch his friends cheek when he could sense his distress – it was something more. Sirius would laugh at him, tell him he was like the old men who could feel the weather change in their bones. Remus would laugh right back, but figured there could be some truth to it.

The transformations were getting worse. Poppy attributed it to the fact that he was going through puberty. The body was constantly changing, therefore with each change at the full moon, the body was still naturally stretching and reforming. Then the wolf would break loose, and the bones crack, the skin stretches and tears, the internal organs squish and move and twist up and when he wakes up in the morning, the bones have returned to the state they were before the moon. But with each moon passing, he missed hours of natural change, resulting in extreme pain during the moons as the wolf doesn't know where to retreat to. She would coo over Remus in the morning and tell him that in a few years the transformations would become easier.

Sirius would sneak in chocolate for him after the moon to the sick ward to hold him over until he would be able to leave his bed and meet with Diana later on to receive the rest of his sweet treat. Sirius would ask him about how much stuff he could remember destroying while the wolf. If anyone else had asked, Remus would have felt slightly put out, feeling like he had 'ambulance chaser' friends. But Sirius thought it was cool. He would snuggle up on the bed next to Remus and stroke his thick sandy hair and talk about how awesome it must be to be able to take out all your frustrations once a month on a furnished house and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. He said it was like the ultimate therapy; it must explain why for the rest of the month Remus was so calm and collected. More than once Sirius had told Remus he wished he could be there with him when he transformed, so they could destroy the place together, go crazy and not get in trouble for it. He figured it would mellow him out the way it did Remus. Remus would snort playfully and tell him he would rather be frustrated for a month straight than have to go through the pain of transformation. Sirius would sigh and kiss his friends forehead lovingly and leave it at that. Remus wasn't looking for sympathy; he knew that – it was just the simple truth.

Then came the day that the Marauders showed Remus what they had been up to while he was off with his Ravenclaw lady. Practically jumping out of their skins, they rushed up to the astronomy tower and stole Remus away from a disgruntled Diana. They were talking a mile a minute as they ran back through the corridors and into the Room of Requirements, James and Pete leading the way, while Sirius held Remus' hand. He would glance over his shoulder as he pulled him along, giving him a reassuring smile before laughing gaily and turning back to watch where he was going.

Inside the room they locked and warded the door. Sirius pulled Remus into the middle of the room as the boys lined up in front of Remus. Remus was laughing and asking what this was all about. Sirius' grey eyes sparkled a silvery color briefly, the same color he thought he noticed that Christmas in second year when Sirius told Remus he knew and didn't care.

The boys looked to one another silently, smiling before one by one transforming into their animagus forms. James went first, turning into a brilliant proud stag who stomped his hoof and looked to Pete. Peter changed into a rat and quickly climbed up James' leg to rest on one of his antlers. Then Sirius laughed and transformed into a great shaggy black dog. His tongue lolled out and he barked playfully before transforming back with a brilliant smile and sparkling silver eyes looking into the pale, tear filled eyes of his dear friend.

Remus looked at each and every one of his friends. He should yell, he should scream at them, tell them how idiotic what they did was, not to mention how highly illegal it was. He opened his mouth to reprimand them, but Sirius cut him off.

"Isn't it fantastic? We can be together when you transform!" he exclaimed. Remus looked into the eyes of his best friend and couldn't help but feel a little giddy about what they had done. It was brilliant magic; becoming animagi takes years of complex magic and dedication to the spiritual aspects of transformation. It was still dangerous, and illegal though. They could get kicked out of Hogwarts for this, they could go to jail! But...did they do this...for him?

James pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Yeah mate! Mum says that the reason you get so banged up every moon is because the wolf is bored. He tears at the walls to get out and run free; he needs something to occupy himself with. We don't know for sure, but we think that maybe if we are there when you transform, then the wolf will play with us instead of trying to attack itself! It's worth a shot, anyways, right? If it doesn't work, and the wolf freaks out, Pete can scramble to our wands and we can stun you long enough for us to get out."

Remus looked to James, "But...what if I bite you?"

"A werewolf bite doesn't infect other animals, it's like a regular wolf bite," Sirius explained, grinning madly. James clapped Remus on the shoulder and smiled brightly. Pete continued to transform back and forth between rat and man, laughing wildly at his own achievement. James looked at the gleeful Pete and laughed along with him, impressed at his friends ability to become an animagus despite the boys doubts in his own magical talent.

Remus reached up and patted James' hand which still lay on his shoulder. He looked to each of his friends as he processed the information. It seemed plausible; the wolf did seem to be bored during the moons, perhaps having a pack would ease his cabin-fever. Would the wolf recognize them as a pack though? Would the wolf know the difference between the human and the animal? He suspected that he would, as the human scent was quite different from the animal scent of his friends. The possibility of waking up after the moon with fewer gashes and pains was appealing; even more appealing was the thought put behind this event.

His friends did love him. He had always felt rather temporary in their friendship, as if one wrong move would give them a reason to toss the werewolf aside without having to feel as if they were being prejudiced. Remus couldn't help but feel like a fourth wheel in this group, never quite fitting in due to his being absent for days on end each month. But his friends did this for him, to help him, to spend more time with him. They really did love him.

Remus cleared his throat and shuffled his feet on the red and gold rug of the magical room. Sirius, James, and Pete were all looking at him with wide eyes, just waiting in great anticipation for the next thing that Remus would say. Would he approve? Would he disapprove?

Sirius took a step forward and reached out to grasp Remus' hand. The instant their hands met, Remus knew the truth. There was no personal glory in the touch, only devotion and need to be closer to Remus. Need to share in his life, in all of his life, even the wolf. There was no fear in the touch, only desire to befriend the wolf, the most dangerous and scary thing in Remus' world. There was no mistaking that touch. That was the touch of a true friend, the touch of a kindred spirit, of a guardian.

Sirius gave Remus' hand a gentle squeeze and smiled at his lycan friend. Remus felt the first of a stream of tears break free and glide down his scarred face. He choked back a sob and smiled with all the honesty and brilliance he had inside of him. Clapping a shaky hand over his mouth, he laughed and cried tears of joy. Sirius laughed along with him, pulling his emotional friend into a tender embrace, one hand around his back holding him close, while the other found the back of Remus' head. Sirius felt Remus shake and tremble in his arms as he gently swayed them back and forth, whispering excitedly "we can be together! I promised you that you wouldn't be alone! We can be together!"

Remus woke up from his first moon with his friends with a smile gracing his face. His bones and muscles ached as usual, but found he had enough energy to shift his limbs and stay conscious. Laying on his back on the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack, he turned his head to survey the nights casualties. The furniture was shifted and moved as if having been played on, but the damage was minimal; no broken desks or chairs, no torn fabric, no shattered glass, no blood...

Sirius was curled up next to Remus, gripping his friend tightly by the over-sized nightgown he was wearing. _How did this get on me?_ Sirius shifted and blinked his eyes open lazily, yawning deeply and pulling Remus tighter into his embrace unconsciously. Remus nudged Sirius lightly, causing the dark haired wizard to slip back into reality. Realizing he was gripping Remus to him in a death grip, he cleared his throat to mask his embarrassment and pulled his arm back.

Remus smiled and looked at his sleepy friend. He looked happy, peaceful almost. The days after the moon previously Sirius would smile and plop onto his hospital bed, acting as if everything were alright. But really he was terrified, he wasn't there during the moons and therefore couldn't watch over his friend. What if Poppy hadn't made it back in time to Remus after a bad moon, and Remus didn't make it? What if Remus had gotten loose and attacked an innocent? Remus would never forgive himself for something like that, it would destroy him, and consequently, it would destroy Sirius as well.

The look on Sirius' face on this particular morning told Remus that Sirius was no longer afraid for his friend, he was there to look over him and protect him from the wolf.

"I always wondered what the wolf looked like. He's brilliant, Remus! He's huge! He's scary and wolfy and... and so wonderful. Last night was fantastic!" he whispered excitedly to Remus.

Remus chuckled, "I feel great, I mean...I ache, but I don't think I'm cut up or anything."

Sirius blushed lightly and cleared his throat, "You're not. I checked after you transformed back. Jamie took Pete to Poppy, got an antler in the eye, nothing serious." Sirius rested his head on his arm, and played with the fringe of Remus' messy morning hair. "I never knew how bad that transformation really is. I know you told us it was painful, but... I've never heard such..." Sirius sighed and felt his eyes mist over, "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this Remus. I'm so sorry..."he whispered, pulling Remus back into his embrace, shaking slightly in the lycans arms. "I'm so sorry..."

Remus sighed and hugged Sirius back. He should be embarrassed for knowing that his friends had seen him naked, and had taken the time to dress him before they fell asleep. He should feel embarrassed for knowing that his friends heard his screams of pain and anguish as his body was torn apart. He should feel embarrassed about a great many things that his friends had seen and heard, but he couldn't when Sirius' touch told him that he was loved.

"Don't be sorry, Sirius. This is the best I have ever felt after a moon. What you guys did for me... I can never thank you enough for it. Everyone wants to cure me, but no one has ever cared enough to just help me."

Sirius pulled back from the embrace and smiled. He got himself up off of the floor, and extended a hand to his lycan friend. Remus smiled and took his friends hand, allowing himself to be helped up from the makeshift bed of blankets. Still weak from the moon, Remus felt himself shake and his knees buckle. Sirius grabbed hold of him around the waist and help him back to his feet. Remus steadied himself by putting one hand on Sirius' shoulder, their faces so close he could feel the boys warm breath on his cheek. Remus blushed and smiled, looking into Sirius' oddly silver eyes. Sirius caught Remus' gaze and felt himself blush as well. They stood there for a moment, caught up in one another, before Sirius took a deep breath and kissed Remus lightly on the lips. Remus hesitated, unsure of what to do. Sirius was kissing him. It was unlike all of the loving kisses he had received before, this was not a gentle peck on the forehead to soothe his weariness away, this was not a dramatic kiss on the cheek in front of dozens of other students to make his friend blush and agree to what Sirius wanted just to make him stop; this was so much more.

It was a strange feeling. It seemed so natural – passionate, yet not overtly sexual. It was as if Sirius was trying to tell Remus that he was loved, in the most honest way he could find, and that way was through his kiss. Remus responded, letting his lips dance over Sirius', ghosting his flesh with his warm breath. Sirius' hand trailed up to cup Remus' cheek gently, kissing him sweetly once more before pulling away to look into his dear friends eyes. Sirius let his thumb glide back and forth over the brunette's cheekbone, his brow furrowing with dreaded anticipation of his reaction.

"Remus?"

"Don't be sorry, Sirius" he responded, taking his friends hand in his own with a shy smile and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I understand."


	2. Chapter 2

Sixteen hours.

It had been roughly sixteen hours since Sirius had kissed Remus in the Shrieking Shack. His best friend, Sirius Black, a boy, had kissed him. The more he thought about it, the more he figured he should feel upset, or angered. But oddly, he felt absolutely no different. He was not elated, confused, frustrated… just exactly the same as he always felt about and towards Sirius.

How did he feel towards Sirius? It was a strange question for certain, a question that could be easily brushed off with a grinning "We're good mates." But Remus knew that answer was bollocks. Sure they were good mates, but their friendship was based on something he couldn't put his finger on.

They needed each other. Remus needed the constant reminder of his self-questionable humanity. Sirius needed the reassurance that somebody would always love him, no matter what. It just so worked out that Sirius was appalled by Remus' constant worry that he was never quite human, and Remus could never believe that somebody would deny Sirius the love he so desperately deserved. They matched. They meshed. They were complimentary to each others vices.

Remus swirled his cold tea in the porcelain cup, watching the leaves dance and twirl before settling into a heap in the middle, "We compliment each other…" he murmured quietly to his hands, as if just discovering this as a truth and needing to hear it said aloud in order for it to make sense to himself. He nodded softly to himself and sighed contentedly.

Placing the porcelain cup on the floor next to him, he hoisted himself onto the chesterfield behind him, stretching out to lay his head on the pillow and rest his eyes. _Just a few minutes…_

* * *

Sirius took one last drag off of his cigarette and flicked it into the gentle fire. Running a hand through his shoulder length hair, he leaned back against the couch and picked up his fresh cup of tea.

Seventeen hours and thirty odd minutes. It had been seventeen hours and thirty odd minutes since he had kissed Remus in the Shrieking Shack. His best friend, Remus Lupin, a boy.

"_**Don't be sorry, Sirius" he responded, taking his friends hand in his own with a shy smile and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I understand."**_

Remus understood. Had it been anyone else, he likely would have felt the need to explain himself, but Remus had held his hand and told him he understood. Sirius believed him.

It wasn't even sexual, which was the strange part. It felt so normal, like that's just the way things are supposed to happen. It had nothing to do with needing contact or assurance, and everything to do with loving the boy who was currently sleeping behind him on the chesterfield. It was a promise to love him forever no matter what wicked things life will inevitably throw at them.

Sirius smiled – he knew there would be no need to explain this to Remus. What it was about their friendship that offered such allowances he was unsure of. It was as if they shared in everything; thoughts, feelings, understanding.

Sirius closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cushions of the chesterfield. Remus shifted in his sleep, his hand slowly trailing off of the couch, just hanging there to the left of Sirius' shoulder. Without opening his eyes, Sirius reached his right hand over and twined his fingers through Remus', a small smile creeping up to the corners of his mouth.

Soon enough, Sirius felt himself drifting away into a sleep lulled by the gentle huffs and purrs that came from Remus' sleeping form…

* * *

The waning moon was high in the ebony night when Remus stirred. Running a small hand along his brow and stretching his lithe body out under the covers to gently crack his back, Remus wondered to himself why he felt as if something were missing. Looking to his left, he noticed that Sirius was neither in his bed, snuggled up against him, clutching Snuffles, nor was he in his own bed sleeping soundly. 

Remus sighed, letting his feet drop down into his plaid slippers. It was awfully late for Sirius to be off alone. Grabbing his favorite brown jumper, he made his way over to Jamie's trunk to fish out the map. A quick incantation later and a flick of his wand to perform a summoning spell revealed Sirius' name in the auditorium in bright red lettering. Remus sighed and shut the map down, tossing it carelessly onto his bed before shuffling across the floor to seek out his absent friend.

The corridors were eerily quiet, even for this time of night. Remus yawned and rubbed at his eyes as he descended staircase after staircase. Usually there would be a phantom or two lurking the halls, but not tonight. By the time he had made it to the second floor, his ears picked up the distinct sound of music.

He wrapped his jumper all the more tightly around his scarred torso, feeling slightly haunted by the sounds that were increasing in volume as he neared the auditorium. The music was resonating across the stone walls and Remus wondered vaguely if he was intruding on something that was never meant to be heard.

The decadent tempo increased, trills of the most beautiful thing he had ever heard causing his heart to leap in a very emotionally charged fashion.

Remus gently pushed the two-story wooden door open after casting a silencing charm on it as to not disturb the music.

Across the room, under the window, was his dearest friend – Sirius. Poised regally at the bench of a black grand piano on the stage, Remus could just make out Sirius' long slender fingers dancing elegantly across the ivory keys. Eyes closed, brow knitted together, foot caressing the pedals to soften the sound, resonate and increase.

Remus could not place the music that was being performed by his ebony haired friend. Soft whispers one moment, lively and intense the next, Sirius let his fingers pour out all of his fears, joy, passion, and love onto the creamy ivory.

Slowly, Remus stalked up behind his friend. If Sirius had noticed his presence, he did not acknowledge it, and for this Remus was thankful. He did not want the music to stop. _How do you stop time?_ If ever there was a rational answer, it was surely found in the caress of the notes Sirius was coaxing out of the majestic instrument.

Coming to a rest behind Sirius, Remus let his eyes flutter to a close, hugging his jumper as tightly to him as possible. It was a primal sound, tortured, passionate –the sound of Sirius' mind. It was so intensely beautiful that Remus found he couldn't be bothered to wipe away the hot tears that were falling from his pale eyes. Pianissimo maestoso into fortissimo agitato, and back again – music resonating through the empty hall like the ripples on a water surface.

Sensing the beautiful music was nearing completion, Remus quickly wiped away the tears that had trailed down his pale cheek. Sirius let out a long, defeated sigh as he brushed long ebony locks out of his face. The silence of the room felt heavy, but Remus couldn't bring himself to fill the void._How do you speak after something like that?_

Sirius ran a pale hand across his collarbone and whispered, "It's finished."

Remus' eyes shot open, startled by the break in silence. Sirius moved over to make room on the bench, eyes still closed. After a moment's consideration, Remus quietly stepped up and took the offered seat next to his dark friend.

Sirius reached over and gently twined his fingers into Remus', "This is why my mother disowned me."

Remus caressed Sirius's hand with his thumb as his friend reached up to wipe away a stray tear from his fathomless grey eyes. "Because of your music?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Yes, and no. Many classical composers are also pureblood wizards. I had taken lessons on the harpsichord since I was around four year's old, got my first piano when I got my acceptance to Hogwarts. When mum found out I was a Gryffindor, she threatened to destroy my piano."

"Each summer I would go home and practically live in my composition room. I would play the music mother had picked out for me, and work on my own music in pieces so that she couldn't figure out what I was doing. I started working on that piece after my first year. Mother had no idea that it was a full piece."

"Whenever we would have company over, mother would go all out – dinner and then we would retire to the drawing room where we would have musical entertainment. I would pull out a few known pieces, and a few pieces of my own that were appropriate."

"As the years went on, I added to my song. It never felt complete. I would tear it up and start from scratch again. Every black eye, every betrayal, every ounce of pain I felt I would put it into my music. But no matter how much I tried, it always turned up hollow."

"And then I went and fucked things up royally. I wish I could say I wasn't thinking, but I knew what I was doing – it just didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Mother was always in my head, yelling and screeching at me that I was a worthless fuck up and I didn't deserve to be spat on by Lord Voldemort. I was starting to believe her, for Merlin knows what reason."

"I thought, that if I could just fuck things up, that it would all go away. Mother would see that she was right and she would leave me alone. All it ended up doing was hurting the people I love the most, and assuring my pure-blood arrogance was still as much a part of me as the flesh on my bones."

"One night during the summer between sixth and seventh year, mother was entertaining guests. I decided not to join them, instead opting to stay in my room and forgo my dinner. Mother dragged me downstairs against my will afterwards to entertain her guests in the drawing room. I was nothing more than a show monkey for them, pouring out other men's music so they could stick their noses up in the air and blabber on like they knew what they were talking about."

"I played this song…" Sirius took in a shaky breath and wiped away the tears that were forming in his eyes, "I didn't even bother taking my sheet music with me. I sat down, laid it all out for them to see, for them to pick apart like the sick, twisted little vultures they are."

"They thought it was wonderful. Mother was fuming. She might be a callous, evil wench, but she knows music. She saw right through my performance. After being excused to my room, I just sat there, waiting for hours on the end of my bed. I had long since packed my trunk full of my most treasured belongings and was ready to leave. Mother came upstairs and beat me within an inch of my life, I'm sure. I'd never felt so empty in my entire life. I don't even think I cried…"

"That was the first and last night mother ever sent my father upstairs to punish me. I'll never forget the sadistic pleasure I saw in his eyes as he looked at me. It was horrifying. Reg was beating on my door, screaming at father to just leave me be. I could hear him crying twenty feet away from me. Mother was pulling him away from my door, telling him he would be next if he didn't go to his room right that instant. I vaguely remember waking up a couple hours later. I think I checked on Reg, he seemed ok from what I remember."

"So I put on my cloak, shrunk my truck and left for Jamie's…"

Remus let go of Sirius' hand and pulled him into a tight embrace. Sirius wrapped his shaking arms around Remus back, clutching to his tattered jumper and letting his tears soak through the fabric as his body was wracked with sobs of pain and torment.

"Why didn't you come to my house? It is so much closer than Jamie's… we haven't much, but you know you would never be turned away…" Remus whispered into his friend's hair, damp with his emotions.

"I don't deserve you, Remus. I don't deserve what you have given to me…" Sirius whimpered against his friends shoulder.

Remus stroked a hand through Sirius' unruly hair and planted a soft kiss on his temple, "I already forgave you, did you think I lied? I already forgave you, Sirius."

Sirius shook and quivered in his friend's warm embrace, "I haven't forgiven myself," he whispered.

Remus tilted Sirius's face up to meet his, only inches away. Bloodshot eyes met in kind, flushed faces and deep panting breaths, "Please forgive yourself, Sirius. I need my friend back, I can't do this alone."

Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, trying to find something…something that would tell him what to do. 'Can I forgive myself? Should I forgive myself? Is Remus better off without me?' he thought.

Remus broke down, burying his face into the crook of Sirius' neck and sobbed. He shook, grasping Sirius' robes and pulling him as tight to his body as possible, afraid that this might be the last time that Sirius would hold him. Sirius placed a hand on the back of Remus' head and rocked them gently on the piano bench, staring out at the waning moon through the partially stained glass windows.

Sirius pulled back slightly from the embrace to look Remus in the eyes. He was crying tears that burned his very soul to think he had caused. His beautiful pale eyes were bloodshot and so very full of pain.

Sirius leaned in slowly and let his lips brush against Remus'. It was sweet, a question of loyalties and love. Remus did not hesitate this time. He grabbed tighter to Sirius' robes and pulled him in to deepen the kiss, locking Sirius' insecurities about their friendship and betrayal away into the back of his mind. Sirius opened his own mouth and danced his tongue gently across Remus' lower lip, licking the tip of Remus' tongue and making the lycanthrope shudder.

This was completely unlike their first kiss. Remus could feel Sirius shuddering in his embrace as his own hands slowly crept up to tangle themselves in silky ebony locks, cooled from the midnight air. Sirius bit gently on Remus' lower lip, letting his teeth drag across it before releasing it and kissing him once more.

_More…_ Remus felt Sirius' hot tears scorching his skin, aware that Sirius was still crying, but sensing that reason had changed. Remus pulled sharply at the hair twined through his fingers, causing Sirius to break from the kiss with a gasp and expose his neck to his friend. Remus leaned back in and nipped at the delicate skin just behind Sirius' ear, then pressed a kiss to the agitated flesh. Down…down his neck, continuing his ministrations until he approached Sirius' collarbone. Remus reached up and let a trembling hand gently caress the exposed line of bone that was visible under Sirius' pale flesh.

Sirius whimpered as Remus eased his grip in his hair and guided his head back down to meet his gaze. Sirius leaned forward and took Remus' mouth in another passionate kiss, his tongue caressing Remus' in a way he never thought possible.

Sirius pulled back slowly, fighting to catch his breath, to calm his frantically racing heart. His hand trailed up the arm of Remus' jumper and across the shoulder to rest at the base of his neck. Remus shuddered, letting go of the silky tresses and finding Sirius' wet cheek. He gently wiped away the evidence, never taking his eyes away from Sirius' moist lips.

Sirius opened his onyx eyes and felt a fresh batch of tears trail down across his cheekbones, pooling across the back of Remus' hands that were holding his face oh-so-sweetly.

"I shouldn't love you like this…" Sirius whispered, casting his eyes away from Remus' lust filled gaze.

"Is this…abnormal?" Remus asked quietly, inching closer to Sirius, desperately needing to feel his hot breath against his skin.

Sirius worried his bottom lip through his teeth, "How can it be abnormal, if it feels _so_ fucking right?"

Remus nodded mutely, hooking his arm around the back of Sirius' neck and pulling him in once more, crashing their mouths together in a kiss that pushed away all doubts, a kiss that Sirius understood to mean that Remus loved him too, and that he wouldn't be alone.

* * *

A/N: If anyone would like to hear the song that this chapter is based on (as a matter of fact..this entire fic is based on this one song) just let me know in the reviews. It's a Dave Matthews Band cover of #41 on the acoustic piano done by Jay Wood. It's so beautiful, I can't even put it into words. I can send the file to anyone who wants to hear it, as I am not sure if you can actually find it on the internet.

* * *


End file.
